In November of 2020 I started experiencing an unwanted phenomenon called never ending menstrual cycle or as I call it, upset TOM, (time of the month).
After seven weeks of supporting the feminine product companies I made contact with a doctor. After routine tests with no issues found he ordered an ultra sound, which led to the discovery of Mr. Paul Lipp, aka uterine polyp.
Instead of taking action, the doctor decided to order multiple ultrasounds, I assume to track the growth of Paul.
Meanwhile, Tom was growing very angry and keeping me annoyed.
After deciding that I no longer wanted Paul to be the subject of a slideshow documentary that could be called Tracking Paul, I took the advice of a long time friend and called the folks at Optimal Health in Oklahoma City.
After one appointment and describing my symptoms and that fact that Paul was residing inside my uterus, they decided Paul needed to be executed so that Tom could calm down.
So on July 28, 2021, I checked into Community Hospital for an appointment with Paul’s executioner Dr. Noel Williams.
My best friend and glutton for punishment, Pace, went with me to ensure that my Mustang and I would return home safely, or at least the Mustang, in case Paul killed me before Dr. Williams could kill him.
The day before a nurse named Julie called to give me information on the procedure. We laughed for 20 minutes and she couldn’t wait to meet me.
So as another nurse attempted to take my weight, we watched in amazement as the scales jumped from 150-190.
Could it be Paul sensing impending death and trying to make us think that there was an electrical glitch in the system therefore no surgery? Nope, nothing like that, instead it was Julie sneaking up behind me and placing her toes on the scales.
This would be my third lifetime surgery with both others being lung surgeries.
Everyone assured me this would be a walk in the park compared to that.
But still my nerves were firing non-stop with stress signals.
When the nurse hooked up the monitors, they showed that my heart was pumping like iron at Planet Fitness and my blood was rushing through my veins like water rapids. There was no calming me down and no stopping Paul’s execution.
I tried to beg for sympathy from Pace, but she would have none of that.
Dr. Williams came in to give last rights to Paul.
I asked him to explain to Pace that I was on a road filled with pain and agony and would be in need of food deliveries as well as Hot Fudge Sundaes at least two times a day.
He promptly explained to her that I would be as wounded as a puppy with a thorn in its paw.
Then the nurse who was monitoring my exploding vitals stated that she had just had a similar procedure two days earlier and was back at work.
That was it.
My plea for sympathy was officially buried and it was apparent that I would be left on my own after Paul’s execution.
Soon it was time to visit the operating room or execution chamber depending on one’s perception.
I stared at my surroundings thinking that it looked nothing like the operating room on Days of Our Lives.
Then within seconds everything went dark.
About an hour later I woke up in a different morgue like room.
The nurse told me I was in recovery and had been there for 30 minutes.
Soon they wheeled another patient in.
I heard them giving her name and describing her procedure. I glanced over and saw how dead the patient looked and thought Wow! I must have looked that dead too.
Soon I was back in the room where it all began.
Pace returned and told me that Dr. Williams said he had successfully executed Paul and that Paul had friends that were executed too.
Soon I was a passenger in my beloved Mustang as the drugs forced me to turn the keys over to Pace.
We traveled to Eskimo Joe’s for food and later visited a casino.
I have truly been shocked that Paul’s execution caused me no discomfort. Pain pills were not even needed nor was Tylenol.
Tom has still been somewhat upset, but Dr. Williams said that he could remain upset for a week or so.
I’m hoping he drinks some wine soon and gets back to normal activity.
My longtime coworker, friend and writer took on the task of reporting Lipp’s time of death and composed the following obit.
The news that Paul Lipp has passed was learned earlier today from a known source. His best friend, Sharon Rowen, said she was glad he was gone. Gladly, no one misses Paul Lipp. He was reported to be a fleshy individual with a flaccid personality with a hint of vitriol. Paul’s death was swift at the hands of Dr. Noel Williams and burial was in an undisclosed area. No mourners attended. Alas, Paul Lipp, she knew ye well, but all are glad you are gone.
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